Fear, Love, Loss
by Umeko the God
Summary: While at a seminar in Kyoto, Hikaru meets a boy who has some surprising knowledge... stupid summary :P Chapter 2 up! Kageru-kun talks... a lot.
1. Dread and Relief

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3.7.04 - My most recent HikaGo fanfic idea. Wrote it on a whim. :O It's my first time writing a fic with virtually NO humor in it whatsoever, so it might not be all that good yet. ._. It's actually going to be kind of dark, maybe. Heh.  
Oh, if you read my "Camping Trip of DOOM!!" fic, I had hoped to get the next chapter out by now (it's almost done), but I got caught up in the idea of this story. :3 I was actually getting a little tired of writing it, so maybe I just needed a little seriousness. Now there might be a good balance, ne?

This chapter is kind of short… I'm hoping that others will be longer. ._.

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Warnings: None yet. Possible shounen-ai in future chapters, but I'm not sure.

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Pairings: As I said, don't know yet. I'll probably get AkiHika in here at some point… maybe a love triangle…?? ._. Again, not sure yet.

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Fear, Love, Loss  
by Umeko

Shindo Hikaru stared out the window of the bullet train, watching as the country whizzed by. To his left, Touya Akira watched on and sighed.

"Shindo, you're spacing out. Is something wrong?"

"Huh? Oh, no!" Hikaru snapped his attention back to his rival, wearing a goofy grin. "'Course not, Touya! I was just thinking that I've never been to Kyoto before."

Akira raised an eyebrow skeptically. "And that's a reason to go into a trance?"

"Uhh… yeah, heheh… I just…" Hikaru looked away. "I had a friend who lived there once. I always wondered what it was like."

"Right…" Akira sighed and hid his face behind his copy of Go Weekly. "Whatever."

There was a long pause before Hikaru spoke up again, smirking. "Hey, Touya?"

"Yes?"

"Are we there yet?"

Akira groaned. "Shut up, Shindo."

---

"Shindo-san, you'll be in that room right down the hall," the seminar coordinator instructed, pointing in the indicated direction. "Touya-san will be two doors past that. Your shidougo tables are already set up, but you should still get ready. Guests will be arriving in less than an hour. Please make yourself comfortable."

"Yes, thank you." Both boys bowed before departing.

Akira looked at his rival warily. "Shindo, you're really looking troubled. You _have_ done this sort of thing before, right?"

"Oh, yeah, of course I have." Hikaru grinned weakly. "I don't know why I'm feeling uncomfortable, actually. I should be used to this. It's just shidougo."

"Indeed…"

"But, for some reason, I have a bad feeling…" The two stopped in front of the room that Hikaru was to enter.

"What kind of bad feeling?"

"Oh, I don't know." Hikaru laughed, waving it off. "It's probably nothing, you can just go to where you're supposed to be now."

Akira took one last cautious glance at him before continuing down the hall. As soon as he had gone out of sight, Hikaru opened the door. He was somewhat relieved to see that, so far, no one was in the room.

Sitting down at his place, he hugged his arms softly, looking around the room. Something was definitely discomforting him, but he wasn't sure what, or why.

Perhaps all the time he had spent with Sai gave him some sort of paranormal perception that he hadn't had before?

Or perhaps it was simply being in the city where Sai had spent the entirety of his own life…

Or a combination of both?

---

Around four o'clock, a rather large crowd had formed about Hikaru's table. It was to be expected, really, as he was one of the most popular rising pros, but the disconcerting feeling was still nagging that the back of his mind.

"And right here…" He pointed to a spot on the goban where he had just finished up playing a game with an older man. "Instead of attaching here, it would have been better to capture this stone over here… It didn't seem like a significant move at the time, but in the long run it would have gained more territory up here."

"Oh, yeah…" The man gazed over the board a bit longer before standing back up. "I guess I still have a bit of work to do, then."

Hikaru smiled up at him. "You have true potential, just a little more practice and you should be fine."

The man bowed and backed away to make room for others. Seconds later, a boy who looked to be the same age as Hikaru sat down in the chair.

"Shindo Hikaru…" he drawled, gazing across the table with dull black eyes. "How nice to finally meet you."

The pro looked the boy in the face, perplexed. He was addressing him in a rather odd manner, but he couldn't fathom why. "Uh, hello…?"

"My name is Sugawara. Sugawara Kageru." He paused before continuing. "I'd like to play a game with you, Shindo. Do you mind?"

"Uh…" Hikaru shifted uncomfortably. "Well… that's why I'm here, right?"

A light chuckle emanated from the crowd, but the boy paid no heed. "Let's play, then. An even game, I'll take black."

Hikaru nodded, and the game began.

The nagging feeling didn't subside at all during the course of the game; rather, it seemed to worsen. Especially since the boy's playing seemed to be a bit forced. He didn't play too well, but something about his playing style really bothered Hikaru.

At the end, Hikaru had won by a substantial margin - he hadn't meant to, but it turned out that way. Sugawara, however, didn't seemed at all bothered by the fact.

"Well, that was certainly enjoyable," Sugawara commented, grinning a humorless smile. He then reached into the breast pocket of his shirt and pulled out a folded slip of paper. "Here, Shindo." He gently pushed it across the table.

Hikaru took it cautiously and stared at the boy opposite him. "What-?"

"This evening, I want you to come to the location indicated on that paper." Sugawara leaned in closer, smiling softly. "I need to speak to you, regarding your ghost."

Hikaru froze in shock. Finding his voice, he managed to choke out, "H-how…?"

But his opponent had already disappeared into the crowd.

---

When one has too great a dread of what is impending, one feels some relief when the trouble has come.  
-Joseph Joubert

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If you can guess who Kageru-kun is, then a cookie for you! :3


	2. Wisdom and Folly

4.1.04 - Okay, this really doesn't have anything to do with the fic, but today in Psychology, about half the class was down at the blood drive, so instead of doing work, we all talked about places that we had visited before. So Jack started talking about the times that he has been to China (he's Chinese), and stuff. Then I, being the nerd that I am, asked (in a reasonably loud voice; he was across the room), "Do a lot of people play wei-qi (Chinese name for Go, for those who don't know)?!" He just stared at me with a face that clearly said, "How the hell do you know about wei-qi?" And of course the rest of the class had NO idea what I was talking about.  
Jack stared at me for the rest of the block. If I were thinking rationally, I would have been convinced that he thought I was weird. But I wasn't. Instead, I was thinking, "Maybe he's going to challenge me to a game?"  
Silly sophomore. He's in the Anime Club, he should know that the vice-president (me) is a HikaGo addict!!  
I'm SO lame.

This is my first time putting "footnotes" in a fanfic. There are… quite a few. All clumped in, like, one paragraph. I just hope that my historical notes aren't too innacurate… ._.

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Warnings: Oh yeah, I forgot last chapter. Spoilers. ^^;; Just in general.

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Fear, Love, Loss

"You're _what?!_"

Hikaru grinned at Akira sheepishly. "Yeah, I gotta meet someone somewhere. You head back to the hotel without me, Touya."

Akira frowned. "Shindo… it's almost ten thirty. You can't just be meeting a _stranger_ who creeps you out! Don't you have any common sense?!"

"But Touya…" He sighed. "You don't understand, I _need_ to talk to this guy."

"Then I'll go with you."

"No no no!!" Hikaru shook his head fiercely. "You can't! The note says I should come alone, anyway."

"Shindo!!" Eyes flashing, Akira exploded. "Can you be any more _dense_?! That's asking for trouble right there!!"

Hikaru stared at the taller boy for a few seconds before sighing in defeat. "Fine. You can come along." Under his breath, he added, "I said I'd tell you someday, anyway…"

---

The paper door slid open slightly, jet black eyes peering out, before opening all the way. "Ah, Shindo, welcome. It's so nice to see you." Blinking, Sugawara's blank eyes looked past Hikaru. "And Touya as well. I had requested that you come alone, but I suppose this is all right. You two _are_ rather close, anyway. Come in, come in, I have some things that I wish to discuss. But first," he added as an afterthought, "let's have some tea…"

Akira looked at Hikaru questioningly as they were let through the house. Hikaru merely shrugged.

Moments later, the three entered a large sitting room with a couch and two armchairs, a table in the center of the setup, with a pot of hot tea on top.

Sugawara sat in a chair and gestured towards the couch. "Please, sit down."

The two pros sat down on the couch, and peered cautiously at the tea offered to them.

"What?" Sugawara inquired, an amused look on his face. "I didn't _poison_ it, you know."

"Just get to the point," Akira sighed.

Sugawara looked at him and smirked. "Oh? Touya, you have the nerve to order me around like this? So far as I _remember_, Shindo was the only one I invited to my house. _You_ are an unwelcome guest, though I am too polite to chase you away. Just keep your mouth shut until I ask you to voice your opinion, agreed?"

Akira bristled, but said nothing.

"Now…" He turned back to Hikaru. "I've had my eyes on you since your debut in the professional world, Shindo."

Hikaru glanced at Sugawara over his teacup. "Yeah…?"

"Actually, it turned out that I had noticed you a while before that, along with many others. A year and a half before the Beginner Dan Series, to be exact."

After some quick calculation, Hikaru's eyes widened and he choked on his tea. Akira's eyes, however, narrowed. _Summer of 1999_…

"I see that you both have knowledge of what I am referring to. Yes, I am talking about the Internet player sai."

"Wait a sec!" Hikaru exclaimed. "That wasn't… I'm not sai!"

Sugawara smiled calmly. "Indeed, that was not you, Shindo. Spiritually, at least. _Physically_, however, that was you."

He forced a laugh. "Ha! Haha! You're ridiculous, Sugawara! That makes no sense!!"

"Fujiwara no Sai."

Hikaru froze.

"I _am_ correct, am I not? That was Fujiwara no Sai. The Beginner Dan Series, too."

Akira stared at his rival, who was wearing an odd look on his face.

"Sugawara…" Hikaru gaped. "How- how do you-"

"Ah-ah, no questions, Shindo. I believe our agreement was that _I_ would talk, not you. Just listen up, I'll let you ask whatever unanswered questions you have afterwards."

"But… he wasn't in any-"

"History books? Indeed, he wouldn't." Sugawara calmly sipped his tea. "As he was exiled from Heian-kyo [1] under charges of cheating, it's natural that he'd be wiped from historical records." He inspected Hikaru's face for a moment. "You thought that only you knew, Shindo. Only you knew about the _great_ Go player, Fujiwara no Sai."

"Y… yeah…"

"You had no reaction to my name when we first met." Sighing, Sugawara set his cut down and settled back into his chair. "I was surprised. I guess Sai didn't tell you, or you're just slow. Well, I'll tell you a story. Where to start…?" He paused before continuing." My name is Sugawara Kageru…"

"I _know_ that!!"

"…direct descendent of Sugawara no Akitada. He was my forty-second great-grandfather."

Hikaru blinked. "Who?"

"Sugawara no Akitada was the Go instructor for Emperor Ichijo [2], around the turn of the millennium. Ah, his _only_ Go instructor…"

After a few minutes to let the information sink in, Hikaru's mouth dropped. "You!!"

"Ah, there we go."

"You! It was _you_ who-"

"Not me, it was Akitada. Pay attention to what I say, Shindo."

"Wait!" Akira interrupted. "Shindo, what is going on here?!"

"Silence, Touya!" Sugawara snapped. "I did not give you permission to speak."

His eyes flashed. "_Permission_?!"

"_You_ are an unwelcome guest in my house. You will not speak without my consent!"

Akira glared and sat back in his seat.

"Good boy. I'll continue my story now. Please retain silence, Shindo."

"…Fine."

"Lovely. Now, I'm sure that you're aware of the fact that the Fujiwara family was the most powerful family in the later Heian era, and was very close to the Emperor. My family, the Sugawara family, was also fairly influential. Being two of the most powerful clans in the capital, there was a sort of rivalry between the two. I'm sure that you've heard of Sugawara no Michizane [3], yes? Emperor Uda [4] intended to use him to counterbalance the influence of the Fujiwara, who were slowly becoming immensely powerful through marrying daughters to emperors, winning their favor, and such similar schemes. Michizane was to lead a mission to China [5] in 894, but declined, fearful of the rapid rise of the Fujiwara family, which would surely destroy that of the Sugawara.

"In 897 Uda's son, Emperor Daigo [6], took power. He, however, favored the Fujiwara, and in 901 Fujiwara no Tokihira [7], Michizane's rival, convinced Daigo that Michizane was plotting treason. Under these false charges, he was exiled to Kyushu [8], and died two years later.

"This, needless to say, did not bide well with the Sugawara. Several times in history, there have been cases of such competition between the two families. Michizane's incident is the most well-known one, due to the natural disasters that followed [9].

"What happened between Sugawara no Akitada and Fujiwara no Sai was inevitable. Both held the same position, and the rivalry between families was sure to creep up at some point. Akitada approached Emperor Ichijo and suggested that there be a game held to determine who deserved to keep their role. There's no reason to go into detail about this, Shindo, as I'm sure that Sai has told you the story. Akitada cheated to turn the game in his favor, accused Sai of his own wrongdoing, Sai lost and was exiled.

"No one knew for sure what happened to Sai after he left, but knowing his passion for Go, and noting that his name did not surface again that we knew of, we assumed that he had committed suicide, unable to live without his beloved game. Am I correct?"

Hikaru nodded grimly.

"I thought so. Back to Akitada, he took record of many of the games that occurred in the capital, before and after Sai's leave. After Sai was exiled, he _should_ have disposed of the records of Sai's games, along with all other traces of his existence. But though he did indeed see Sai as a rival that he needed to destroy at all costs, he also acknowledged Sai's genius regarding Go. Akitada _kept_ the records, Shindo. All of those records have been passed down through the Sugawara family, reproduced, studied, and kept safe. None of those records, however, have ever been seen by outsiders. As a result, our family is quite familiar with Sai's playing style. Imagine our surprise when Sai appeared again during the Edo era, under the name of Shusaku."

Shocked, Akira looked at his rival again. Hikaru's face was pale and sweaty, and his fists were clenched. He still had no idea what it all had to do with Hikaru, though Shusaku did seem to influence his style quite a bit. In any case, Akira had never seen him like this.

Sugawara continued. "After observing his skills for a time, we determined that Sai was either reincarnated as Shusaku, had possessed him, or simply that Shusaku happened to have the same playing style as Fujiwara no Sai. That had always been uncertain, however, until a few years back.

"In July of 1999, as you are both well-aware, there was quite a bit of a stir regarding the Internet Go player named sai, who was said to have the same playing style as Shusaku, except, well, modernized. When I heard of this, I made the connection immediately. I watched several of sai's games and confirmed that, indeed, that was Fujiwara no Sai. And since Sai had come back in the Heisei era, there was no reason to assume that he could not have been present in the Edo era as well. Reincarnation seemed an improbable situation as well, so that meant that Sai had taken Shusaku as a host, and had done the same with someone else. The question was who, and that was to be left unanswered until January of 2001.

"Along comes a new pro by the name of Shindo Hikaru. I saw the kifu your Beginner Dan Series game in Weekly Go, and was shocked. _Sai_ had played that game. Of course, it was obvious that he had tried to hide his identity by putting a handicap on himself, but I was familiar enough with his style to recognize that it was him."

Hikaru blinked. _Wait a sec…_

"After that, I kept a close watch on you. Unfortunately, your first pro game was cancelled, due to the Meijin's collapse, and Touya here bailed."

"I-!"

"Shush, Touya, I'm talking. Shortly afterward, sai again appeared on the Internet, and played an amazing game with toya koyo, in which sai emerged victorious. I won't go into detail about that, it's not too important. A few days after that was Shindo's first 'real' pro game. I managed to unearth the kifu for that game, but, while impressive in its own way, it had _not_ been Sai who had played. Then I began to have second thoughts, that perhaps I had been wrong in assuming that you were Sai's host, or that the two of you alternated in playing games. Or that maybe, just maybe, _Shindo_ played most of the games, but had _only_ let Sai play against the Meijin.

"Suddenly, in May, Shindo began missing all of his games, and no one could figure out why. Sai, had he indeed been present in Shindo's mind, would not have stood for so many games to have been missed, I knew. So, at that point, it was obvious that Sai did not reside inside of Shindo. The reason for Shindo's forfeits was still unexplained, however, and after quite a bit of contemplation, I came up with an answer. That game between sai and toya koyo on the Internet was without questions one that both players would be satisfied with, both winner and loser. It was truly uplifting.

"Shindo, Sai had indeed been present in your mind, and you knew. That assumption was confirmed by the fact that you came here tonight, but I digress. After playing the Internet game with Touya Meijin, Sai's reason for being in the living world was accomplished. Therefore, he left this world, and you. You, so used to your constant companion, were plunged into depression and misery, possibly even denial, and simply could not bring yourself to play the game that your friend loved so. For three months you separated yourself from the Go world, until something brought you back, stronger and more passionate than ever.

"So, tell me, Shindo. How accurate are my assumptions?"

There was silence for a minute as Hikaru gaped at the boy. Akira, likewise, was gaping at Hikaru.

"Su… Sugawara…" Hikaru stuttered, "you… you're really sharp."

"Hold on!!" Akira suddenly exclaimed, standing up. "Shindo, you're not telling me that everything this guy says is _true_?!"

"Um, actually, Sai _didn't_ want to leave, but-"

"Shindo!!"

"Touya, shut up," Sugawara snarled. "Or do I have to kick you out of my house?"

Glaring, Akira turned on the two. "You don't have to kick me out, I'm leaving! Shindo, I'm going back to the hotel. Don't talk to me for the rest of the night."

Looking rather pleased, Sugawara watched the 3-dan storm out before turning to the remaining pro and standing up. "So, Shindo. I have something to show you. Would you mind following me?"

Hikaru cautiously obliged, following him down a hall and stopping in front of a closed door. "So… what do you want to show me?"

"It's in here." He opened the door, revealing a room lined with filing cabinets, and a goban in the center. "This, Shindo," he started, walking towards one of the filing cabinets, "is where I keep all of our kifu. Clearly not all of these drawers hold game records, there are also general Sugawara family records held in here, but what I have for you is in this drawer right here."

Hikaru watched as Sugawara opened the indicated drawer, producing a stack of papers tied together with string. They were then placed in his hands, and Hikaru read the top sheet. "Fujiwara no Sai Kifu… wait, Sugawara!!"

"Those are for you, Shindo," Sugawara replied, leaning against a cabinet casually. "I thought that you'd like to see them."

"But… you said that these can't be seen by anyone outside of the family!"

"No, I said that they hadn't ever been seen by anyone outside of the family. There's a difference, Shindo. Besides, it's my decision now, and I've decided to give those to you."

Hikaru stared, perplexed. "But I can't take these, they're your family's-"

"I'm not giving you the only copies of those kifu that we have, Shindo. That would be stupid. I had those copies made especially for you, so you're certainly free to take them. You can share them with Touya, also, if you so wish."

"But-"

"Certainly you're not saying that you have no desire to see how Sai played when he was alive?"

"I-" Hikaru looked down at the stack of papers that he held. No, he wanted to see them more than almost anything in the world. "I can… keep them?"

Sugawara sighed. "_Yes_, Shindo, that's what I've been saying. Now, if you don't mind, I feel that you've been here long enough, so I'll ask you kindly to leave."

A minute later, Hikaru found himself outside of the house, clutching the kifu to his chest. _He's an odd guy,_ he thought. _But… he can't be that bad._

He gave me the closest thing to what I want most.

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To keep your secret is wisdom; but to expect others to keep it is folly.  
-Samuel Johnson

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Finally!! *collapses* I finally finished this chapter!! Kageru-kun talked a lot… x.x He really is a strange character. How did I come up with him…???

Okay, footnotes, then review responses!!

[1] Heian-kyo - The Heian capital (Kyoto)… um, yeah.  
[2] Emperor Ichijo (980-1011) - Emperor of Japan from 986-1011.  
[3] Sugawara no Michizane (845-903) - Prominent scholar of Chinese learning, known as God of Learning and God of Calligraphy; Minister of the Right to Emperor Uda.  
[4] Emperor Uda (867-931) - Emperor of Japan from 887-897.  
[5] Imperial Japanese embassies to China - Missions to China to import technologies and culture of China to Japan; began in 600, ended in 894.  
[6] Emperor Daigo (885-930) - Emperor of Japan from 897-930.  
[7] Fujiwara no Tokihira (871-909) - Minister of the Left (higher-ranked than Minister of the Right) to Emperor Uda.  
[8] Kyushu - Um… an island.  
[9] Shortly after Sugawara no Michizane's death, a number of natural disasters hit Heian-kyo and were blamed on Michizane's vengeful spirit. To appease his spirit, he was sanctified as the deity Kitano Tenjin. There is a festival (or two?) held in his honor, also, but I'm not going to get into that right now.

Okay!! *collapses again* Now reviews…

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Tian - Wow!! You were really close!! *gives a cookie* Not reincarnation, but descendent… My writing style is "clean and nice"? Yay!! I'm not all that confident in my style, but… hey. This chapter might not be as good, because I'm tired and don't want to read through it to proofread or whatnot. I don't know if I was repetitive or anything… I just want to relax and watch some DVDs now… Wow I'm so devoted to my stories. x.x  
**silvermist91** - Nope, sorry, not Sai! ^^ *gives a cookie anyway*  
**Kuroi Hikari** - Again, not Sai. ^^;; Heck, I'll give all my reviewers cookies. *cookie!* I'm glad you like the idea. AkiHika? ALL RIGHT!!! Might start that next chapter. XD And, actually, I am thinking of having Kageru go after Hikaru… Akira already hates Kageru enough as it is. XD  
**SilverKnight7** - All righty! *cookie*  
**chris** - I'm trying to make this sort of mysterious, is it working? This genre is completely new to me… XD It's a mystery to me, too, because I haven't decided on Kageru's motive yet… I have a few ideas, though! XD *cookie*  
**sakura117us** - Sure thing! *cookie*

Whoo, finally done! x.x I'm off to watch my new DVDs now, I'll try to get the next chapter up soon - it should be relatively easy to write, nothing happens, really. XD  
By the way, I've started a Hikaru no Go Livejournal RPG. And we need members. XD If you're interested, look at my profile, I have links. :P


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